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Now to add to Jason trying to talk to me (and all my friends), I woke up to this crazy 14-some digit phone number this morning texting me telling it's Joel and that he's sorry about the way he treated me.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

I also feel like he's trying to mend things or something. He asked to message me on Facebook and told me to respond to him when I got off of work. Like what? What the hell.

I told Matt, naturally. Why wouldn't I tell Matt that? But he seems upset about it and asked me not to mention Joel anymore. He was annoyed when I said I was going to answer Joel to accept his apology. He thinks Joel is just trying to weasel his way back into my life. But it's very apparent on my Facebook that I have a boyfriend so I don't think that's going to go anywhere. I wouldn't let it, anyway.

All I know is that I had that knotty feeling in my stomach. And I cried a little. I never even cried when it all happened. It's like I finally got that closure I never had with him. I mean, I am over everything that happened. I would never wish him any harm. But I knew he'd realize his mistake eventually. And it's nice to get an apology I didn't have to force out of him.

Aug. 10th, 2012

A note to my infamous ex-whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-him:

Talking to my best friends via Facebook is very comical. It is intriguing to see that I still captivate you so.

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Jason has messaged both Michelle and Sherrie this week. He poked me on Facebook a few months ago and I blocked him. Then about a month ago, he texted me saying, "Poke." Michelle also saw him at Taste of Buffalo that same week. I never responded to the text and I remember being particularily agitated about it. I didn't understand why he thought he had the right to talk to me. Now he's contacting a few of my closest friends. It doesn't take a genius to realize he's doing this to get me to talk to him. He's trying to piss me off.

In the past, I always answered him. I couldn't just ignore him or walk away. That's how he knew he was in control - I would always respond. After he called me a pyscho in February, I was done. I resolved not to talk to him anymore. I gave in when he started blowing up my phone in March. He had crossed the line and I made sure I let everything out. Then I didn't hear from him until July.

In July, though, I had realized that answering him, even if it's just telling him off, is letting him win. When Sherrie told me he was messaging her I started laughing. I jokingly told Michelle I was surprised he hadn't tried to talk to her yet. Then he happened to a few days later.

He won't admit he misses me. He just repeats that I hate him because I blocked him on Facebook and tells them to tell me to text him. He won't admit he messed up and lead me on. He just re-directs and denies everything. Typical Jason.

Ah, well, too bad, Jason. I am not going to answer you. Message all of my friends. Text me. Call me. If you bother me enough, I'm sure my wonderful boyfriend will have a few things to say to you.

Answering Jason would get me nowhere. If it got me anywhere, it would back to square one. I have come such a far way without him. I have made so many strides in so many areas of my life. He's no longer in my life. I deserved better and I found better.

And for that, I am so thankful :)

Nov. 15th, 2011

All right, so this post is mainly for Christina. I kind of dropped off the face of the planet and explained anything that happened.

On September 27th, I withdrew from school. Holy shit. I can't believe it's almost been two months since that whole debacle went down. Essentially, I went nuts. It's the simplest way to explain what happened. About two weeks into it, I was in a constant state of anxiety all the time at school. I was having anxiety attacks, not sleeping, barely eating. I would just sit and stare for hours. I wanted to talk to everyone I could but answering them was a chore. I couldn't concentrate in school. I wanted to walk off my dorm building. I cried a lot and eventually my emotions disappeared all together. The only thing I felt was panic. I thought every little pain was going to kill me. I was hypersensitive. I went to the counselor twice a week for scheduled appointments and would show up at least once unannounced demanding to see someone. It got ridiculous. I would always feel all right if I was talking to someone from home, but at the same time, I would only half be listening to them. I often forgot what I was talking about and wouldn't really listen to what people were saying to me. I was too preoccupied with my confusion on what happened to me. Nothing made me feel OK. I was so alone. I had one friend. Now that I'm home, I don't even talk to him. I hated St. Bonaventure. I knew as soon as I came home from orientation that it just wasn't meant to be. But at that point, I had no other choice. I tried to stick it out the semester. I barely made it through a month. I felt like I was dreaming all the time. My vision was cloudy. I was having anxiety attacks in class, in the shower. I would try to do things in habitual ways like going to bed around 12 and waking up around 8 every day, going to the gym and working out for almost an hour at one point. Nothing worked. Eventually, I was forced to go home. I had the option of going to the Olean hospital and getting a psych evaluation done, taking a leave of absence or just withdrawing. I could willingly withdraw or forcefully. I didn't really know what was going on when I withdrew. I had no reaction to it. I just walked over to the registrar's office and signed some papers. I went and returned my books and packed all my shit in just a few hours. My mom and brother came and picked me up and we went home.



to be continued.

May. 31st, 2011

Why don't you talk to me anymore?
What happened to make me mean nothing to you?
Why did I hang up on you that one night you said "I love you" before we got off the phone?
Why did I tell you that if you pushed me out of your life that I wouldn't run after you?
That's the biggest lie ever...I am sprinting after you.

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I'm quiet. I have my moments when I'm talkative and when I'm annoyed but when it boils down to it all, I'm a listener. My voice doesn't come from my vocal cords but rather the stories I relay through writing. I guess you can say I'm a loner and I'm pretty proud of it. Independence over dependence is key. The difference between being savvy with asking for assistance and being completely lost without help is balatant. I'm not really one to spark up conversation unless I'm feeling philosophical but I am willing to throw my two cents in when necessary. I prefer sitting quietly in my own thoughts, thinking about the past, present and future. There are time periods where I thrist for human interaction and feel alone, but for the most part, I enjoy the bubble-encloses life I lead. I have all I need around me. I know what I want, I know where I'm going. It's all possible if I keep on track. It's all possible alone.

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There is absolutely no reason for me to feel jealous of her. No reason to feel threatened. He is 30. There's no competition and it shouldn't even matter in the slightest. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me.

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Aug. 17th, 2010

I miss you terribly. And I want to see you. But I know it's better if I don't see you before you leave because then all the emotions and hurt will come spiraling back and I will be back at square one. You aren't worth it. You never were. You may be someday but it's debatable and up in the air for chance. I don't know if I'll ever see you again and I sure of hell don't know how I will react when and if that ever happens. Yes, I'll text you every once in a while to check on things and I'm sure I'll remind you how I know for a fact you're going places with hockey even though everyone doubts you.'you are, the passion in your eyes when you're on the ice is something not fake or fueled by immoral intentions. It's true and the most honest thing you can ever portray about yourself. It will happen. But for now and probably forever I have to take a different path and cross my fingers that we will never meet in the near future. I may have thought I loved you and that you were really genuine but I was wrong and only loved the thought of being with you even though I knew and still know deep down you are not right for me, never will be and never were. I was tricked by the blindness of infatuation and so help me god I don't see you before you leave so it doesn't stab me in the heart again.

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I hate Colin. I hate the men in my family. I am not a happy camper. I better not be called into work in the morning. My life has suddenly gotten ridiculous. Where the fuck is my damn bubble to live in?

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May. 31st, 2010

I went to the beach today. I have never felt so fat and disgustingly inferior in my life. I'm so white and all my friends are so tan and tall and skinny while I'm short and fat. I hate having big boobs and thunder thighs. All of my friends are small and I just feel so gross all the time. I'm the ugly one, the third, fifth , and sometimes seventh wheel. No one ever likes me.
I absolutely have to lose at least 25 pounds this summer because I'm so sick of being the chubby one of the group. I feel like I can't even talk with them in public like that because all I feel everyone sees are the rolls. Fuck this.
I am so angry that Scott apparently has a girlfriend now. My ankle is spraine and I am failing like all of my classes with two weeks of school left. Fucking awesome.

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"look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under't"